What is assertiveness: Examples and techniques

It is said that assertiveness is a fundamental basis of happiness since it is scientifically proven that healthy and positive relationships increase our oxytocin level (The love hormone). Our personal growth will begin when we begin to sow relationships from respect, Love and empathy.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is aform of communication which consists in defending your rights and ideas, Express your opinions, Emotions, feelings and suggestions honest without falling into aggressiveness or passivity, respecting others, And most importantly respecting yourself.

It is the way you have to tell someone that matters to you, That what he has done to you has bothered you without silence or attack it.

Only when you acquire awareness of the importance of your words, You can choose each of them carefully before expressing them and achieving a good relationship with your interlocutor, Although it is important to say that there is the possibility that although you act assertively the response of the person with whom you are communicating it is not.

Assertive behavior is learned by imitation and reinforcement, So we have been transmitting us as behavior models and as a prize or punishment our parents, maestros, friends, media…

When we communicate, We usually be or aggressive in our answers or liabilities.

• A rpassive spare (Submissive person) He says nothing or does not defend what he really thinks or his rights.
• An aggressive answer(aggressive person): rises to a very high tension level or has excessive answers.

But how are submissive people and aggressive people?

The central problem in submissive and aggressive people isHis low self -esteem.

In the Submissive person Most of their social interactions fail and feel bad about itself.

They have developed a limiting and negative thought towards their person. They usually have recurring thoughts such as:

• No one cares what I think or say
• Why would someone want to talk to me? with how boring I am
• I am a failed, Everything goes wrong, I would want to have a friend like this
• If I say what I think and I feel, surely they laughed or stop talking to me.

As we see in these examples theSubmissive people do not express their personal opinions or desires, Avoid conflicts with others, They spend a lot of energy to achieve the approval of the other, They stop their feelings ( both positive and negative)…

They show a poor perception about themselves and think that others are superior. It puts the wishes, feelings, thoughts of others above their own, canceling your voice and needs, wishes.

You need to constantly feel the approval and acceptance of others and hide their true opinion to avoid being criticized(belief that has).

Some rational thoughts on the examples exposed above could be: (It is important that the person looks for alternative ideas to their irrational thoughts or irrational beliefs to be more assertive and most importantly feel good and take into account)

• I can't like everyone. Just like I like some people and others not, This also happens to others regarding me.
• In the event that someone who is my friend, family ... that matters to me does not approve something of my behavior, I can decide if I want to change it or always regret.
• If something does not work out, It is not a catastrophe. I'm going to survive it.
• If I don't like a situation, I will try to think how to change it, Instead of doing nothing.

When we take into account, We take care of ourselves, We are much more capable of understanding, respect others.

LAs aggressive people They are constantly defending others (Hence his low self -esteem). They lead to the field of personal offense the fact that someone thinks differently to them, They usually have a lack of resources when handling in tense situations, and they are dominated by their emotions. They always think they are right and do not admit to being wrong under any circumstances. They feel vulnerable. They understand any situation as a fight in which they must demonstrate their worth and impose their vision on others.

Some thoughts are:

• Things are made in a certain way
• No one will pass me over, to try and see the consequences
• Nobody hesitates me
• I'm not interested in what they have to tell me, Here it is done as I say.
• What you think is ridiculous, a nonsense, You should shut up.

Negative emotions appear in them; Anxiety, The anger, anger or the feeling of being misunderstood are some of them, In addition to frustration and a strong sense of loss of control. An aggressive person can lose control of himself when he begins to feel that the situation goes out of hand. And not to demonstrate vulnerability, what is necessary from verbally wounding or psychologically to attack them. Always crushes the ideas and rights of the rest, He feels no respect for the thoughts of others

They usually speak out loud, almost always interrupting others and using sarcasm and insults as support. They do not admit an error on the other hand and will try to blame others. The others are always to blame, They never. They are great manipulators and try to dominate and control people to achieve what they want. They have trouble imagining a point of view that is not yours.

Aggressive people usually have great affective lack, They move people away and don't want to be with them, They feel misunderstood and only and this increases resentment and anger towards other people.

Example of aggressive behaviors:

• Don't listen to me, What do you have in the head
• Shut up and stop talking that you make a fool of
• Why does it take so long to do it? You are silly.
• Assertive behaviors of the previous examples:
• I feel a little distracted. What are you thinking about?
• I'm interested in knowing what you think, So we can reach an agreement
• I see that it is taking you time, Do you need to help you understand it?
• Aggression is a desperate resource that arose from fear of being rejected or abandoned

Aggressive people have to understand:

Why do they feel they should defend themselves and impose what they want

know why they feel so vulnerable to others.

They must work to improve their self -esteem and acquire new habits to handle tension. It demands a lot of effort, involvement and dedication.

Be assertiveIt is expressing your views respecting that of others.It does not mean wanting to always carry the reason, but express your opinions and points of view being these correct or not. We all have the right to be wrong and not to be judged therefore excessively.

What is assertiveness for?

Assertiveness serves to:

• Expose to others which are your needs, wishes, feelings,  opinions ... and demonstrate respect for yourself
• Give your opinion, Ask someone to naturally and as if you were not asking for it as if you were life
• Express your negative emotions (Complaints,Criticism disagreements ...) and positive emotions (happiness, pride…)
• Solve everyday problems before the negative emotions of anger appear, anger, frustration and the situation gets out of control.
• Share your emotions, experiences ... with others and that they share their own with you
• Begin, change, Continue or finish conversations comfortably and without having the feeling that you are not lacking respect or belittling
• Generate alternatives to achieve agreements when resolving any conflict.
• Get away from blackmail and manipulations of the other people.
• Promote healthier and authentic relationships.

How to know if you are an assertive person?

First of all say, whatDescribing an assertive person is an ideal. The vast majority of people cannot act correctly and assertively 100% of the times, Well, we are human. We can always make mistakes and get carried away by emotions depending on the situation, personal moment we are currently ...) But lOr it is important to be able to reach this ideal of assertive person.

Assertive people are usually characterized by these traits:

• They know how to listen, be understanding respecting the ideas of others.
• They do not feel inferior or higher than anyone.
• Your communication this fluid
• They are honest with themselves, expressing with tact and sincerity their emotions both positive and negative.
• They know how to externalize their own thoughts and feelings without hurting or offending the other people who are there.
• They are able to say no, In the case of having to do it.
• In the case of being increpted or questioned, They can calmly explain their actions
• They are able to develop a dialogue, to feel empathy and reach agreements for conflict resolution.
• If there is something that they do not understand, will ask for help to understand it.
• They are capable of receiving praise or compliments sincerely and giving them to others
• They use direct eye contact, They speak without hesitation and are relaxed in their conversations.

In case of conflict you can reach an agreement acting assertively, But sometimes, We can find situations in which, As much as we express our thoughts, Emotions with respect and we are open to dialogue yes on the other side do not want to be no possible agreement.

Self -esteem related assertivity

Self -esteem is the vision of yourself, The value you give. Self -esteem will not be higher for being more successful, have a high social or professional range or be more attractive. It has to do with the degree of personal satisfaction, As you speak, You judge yourself

Assertivity is a communication style that implies a clear expression of our emotions, views, needs, Opinions ... This type of communication is halfway between the two extremes, that we have already explained previously related to damaged self -esteem : The aggressive and the submissive.

As we have previously explained both the aggressive person and the submissive person seek the recognition and valuation of others.The aggressive fault outside for any behavior while the submissive blames himself for any error.

People with healthy self -esteem are accepted as they are, They have no problems when they raise their needs or express themselves to others when something does not seem correct or they have hurt them. They do not need the approval of others, because they already recognize themselves as valuable by themselves.

People with healthy self -esteem are able to communicate assertively.

Assertiveness techniques

Some of the techniques to carry an assertive "discussion".

Rayado disc technique

It consists of repeating the point of view over and over again, with peace of mind, without going into discussions or provocations that the other person can make. In this technique the other is not attacked and is right in some aspects, But he insists on repeating his argument again and again until the other person is convinced or until he realizes that he will not achieve anything with his attacks.

Example:

You: You are at home doing a job and your roommate puts high music in your room. You tell him, I find it hard to concentrate listening to your music, I thank you very much if you can lower the volume.

Companion: I have every right to play music.

You, Of course you have the right to play music, I just ask you to please lower the volume so that it is easier for me to concentrate on what I am doing

Companion: It bothers me a lot that then one does not have the right to put music.

You, I understand that I do not be able to listen to music. I'm not asking you not to wear music, I am asking you to please lower the volume so that I can concentrate and work.

Companion: Well then I will download the music.

You: Thank you very much for your understanding

Assertive postponement

It is very useful for undecided people and who do not have a quick response to hand or for moments when we feel blocked by the situation and we are not able to respond clearly.

Example: You are to blame that we never arrive at the time

Answer: This topic is very controversial among us, If you think, We leave it now that I have to go out ( or finish a job, or clean ...) And we talk calm later later ( or tomorrow)

When they make us a, invitation,  approach ... and let's not know what to answer at that time:

Could we talk about this topic later?Because I would like to think about it before giving you an answer or has taken me by surprise all this would it bother you if I thought about it a little more? In this way we will avoid answering little assertively and we can give an answer when we know that we feel and think about it.

Fog or Simulated Claudication Bank

It consists in giving the person reason what they are considered may be true in their criticisms, but at the same time refusing to go into discussion.

Example :

Cave: You are to blame that we never arrive at the time.

Tu:  Yeah, You may be right

Cave: You always enter or do you do other things

You: Well yes, almost always looked.

Cave: I'm fed up that we are always late for you.

Tu: Of, It's true, We are always late.

The person is demonstrating that he will change if he believes it convenient, But not because Ana tells you.

It is very important in this technique to control the tone of voice in which the answer is said, since if it is said in a negligible or sharp way, Ana may get aggressive. It must be said quietly, as reflective or meditating the words that the other tells us.

ASSERTIVE QUESTION TECHNIQUE

It consists of thinking well of the person who criticizes us and assumes that his criticism is well -intentioned(regardless of what it is)

We will force the person to give us more arguments, In order to be clear to what he refers to and what do we want us to change.

Example:

Cave: You are to blame that we never arrive at the time

You: What exactly what bothers you from my way of acting?

      How do you suggest that it changes so that it is not repeated again?

Another technique that we can use at a time of discussion isreplace the expression "you do this" for "you make me feel this".

Change the guilt approach to the other person to make it more receptive and know how I feel.

Example:

Your partner is lately very busy and surpassed by work things and problems with their mother. For this reason, He has not had much patience with you and has treated you abruptly on several occasions. You have let the tone of voice and the situation a couple of times, understanding that it is stressed but the time has come when you want to talk.

I have noticed that lately you have been very stressed and I didn't want to tell you anything, But the attitudes that you have had with me lately make me feel bad and I feel that I do not deserve this treatment. I hope you can understand me and change it.

If we communicate with an aggressive person, We could tell him:

We've been talking for a while, But it seems to me that you listen to anything I am saying. You only raise the tone of voice and do not let me express. We will not be able to reach any agreement if you are not able to listen to me.

If we communicate with a submissive person:

HEMOS STATE TALKING A TIME AND I STILL I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I would really like to know, Because if I don't know your opinion we will not be able to solve this problem.

Tips to be more assertive

–Learn to say "No"

Because many people are afraid of saying no? For fear of rejection, to the conflict, to stay alone. Many times we say that if some plans that really do not fancy and we would prefer to have said no, But we have not been able. There are many things that press us and/or that make us think that we cannot deny certain requests. Accept invitations that do not interest us or accept things that we don't like only cause us irritation and make us feel angry.

Not saying not in the background we only do to continue maintaining the love and acceptance of the other person, for fear of leaving me alone or leaving me aside.

If we say no, what will happen? Is it really so important what others may think to ignore your own desires? Whenever we do something we must be motivated to want to do it, Never to feel under social pressure.

Say that although we want to say is not punishing ourselves.

We cannot lie to ourselves. Surely, After saying, thoughts will not appear that will make you doubt the first decision taken influenced by the fear of rejection or reaction of others, butPut the focus on ourselves in what we really want, In listening to what I want. If you reasonably explain the reason why you do not want to accept that plan or that request ... the safest thing is that anyone is offended. But if someone is offended by receiving a negative, You must think and above all understand that you are not the culprit of your frustration. A person who loves and respects you will understand that each one has their limits and decision power about the things they want to do.

- It is important to identify your automatic thoughts watching yourself for a few weeks and aim at a notebook.

    1. What are those negative thoughts that arise when you are in a moment of tension.

2. These thoughts have been repeated throughout your life

           3. Because you think you have those beliefs about you, When they started?

Example:  I feel silly, I feel useless, I am very slow to learn new things ...

Once you become aware of your wrong and painful thoughts you have to replace them with more positive ideas (Find more positive and rational alternatives than to tell you)

Example: I will act as I am and that's fine. I don't have to be perfect, If I'm wrong about something is not the end of the world ...

-Existtwo reasons why a person is not assertive:

• Think that you have no right to your beliefs, wishes, Opinions ...
• They believe that their wishes, Rights ... They must be defended above those of others with rage and aggressiveness.

Series of iSouthern Faculty:

–You don't have to interrupt the interlocutor . False

You have the right to interrupt the interlocutor to ask for explanations

–The problems you have does not interest anyone . False

You have the right to ask for help or emotional support.

You have to adapt to others, but you can lose that friendship. False

You have the right to say no

When someone has a problem you have to help you. False.

You have the right to decide when you want to help and when not.

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